“Loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself.”
Basically all of last year and the year before I felt alone. I had many friends, family and good people in my life, but loneliness ached in my heart daily.
I had just gone through a break up. We were together for four years, and even though I knew deep down we were not truly in love or meant for each other, it still hurt in every way possible. I know a lot of you can relate to this feeling. You’re with someone for so long they naturally become a part of your life. I would be lying to you and myself if I said that I no longer think about that person, because from time to time he will run across my mind, just in different ways now.
I like to think it doesn’t matter how it ended anymore. Truly, it doesn’t. The pain that was caused almost two years ago is a distant and foreign pain to me now. I grew a lot from that pain. I learned a lot, as well. The best thing that happened though was I was completely alone.
I lost my best friend, my cat (I loved my fucking cat), my home, memories and a relationship in the blink of an eye. My world was shook. My heart ached and loneliness overwhelmed me. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me.
If you have read my previous blog posts, I have mentioned how long I have been searching for myself. I’ve been lost in my own body for far too long.
When I felt these feelings of desolation, I did everything in my power to fill this empty void. This is all about honesty so here we go: I drank, I smoked, and I spent a lot of money on material things. I gave myself away carelessly to men thinking this would make me feel better about what I had lost. All of my actions sank me lower into depression, rather than pulling me out. When I look back at everything I have done, I realize what people I had attracted during this time. Negative, unhappy and needy people. This is so unlike me in every way, it’s upsetting to know I did this to myself.
Towards the end of last year (2017), I felt very depressed. I wasn’t sure why, after all, it had been a year since my big life change. It wasn’t until the other day my amazing friend Moregan (@moreganja) repeated this quote to me, “loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself.” I desperately needed myself all of those years, and my body was trying one last time to tell me. I felt so sad and alone during December 2017, I didn’t know what to do, so I journaled. As I would read back on my thoughts everyday, I became more and more aware of myself. This was not easy, in fact, it was really hard. It made me realize how destructive I had become for so long. It made me realize how out of touch I was with my intuition; how out of touch I was with myself.
It was also around this time of all these discoveries I made the leap and went vegan. I stopped drinking and smoking (kind of, I still love ganja…I didn’t smoke cigarettes by the way, ha), and I focused on becoming financially healthy and re-stabilized my life. Doing all of this and becoming vegan completely changed me. I started feeding my body with living foods which made every part of me become alive. My mind became sharper, my body healthier, and I felt aligned with the Universe. I am by far more calm, positive and patient. When I think about my future, I see success and prosperity.
This year, 2018, has been incredible. I feel amazing and I have everything I could ever want…and I am not talking about material items. I am by far the happiest I have every been. My mom told me a month or so back, “I have never seen you this happy, Sara.” I have health, strength, passion and an unbelievable amount of drive. I am surrounded by amazing friends and family. I have incredible followers who are kind with their words and are supportive of my decisions.
When I heard that quote, it immediately clicked in my brain that for the last two years I had been searching endlessly for other people to make me happy and give me a purpose. Now, this sounds silly to me, but during that time I thought that was the answer. I no longer search for other peoples company, love or approval. I am absolutely fine with being alone… in fact, I’d rather be alone. I’ve needed myself for so long it’s finally nice to have my company, I want to enjoy it fully before ever giving a part of myself to anyone again. Still to this day, I am discovering my strengths and new things about myself and it is the most exciting thing I have every experienced in my 25 years of being alive.
If you feel lonely and are alone, this is a blessing I promise you and I encourage you to take advantage of this opportunity to discover yourself. Email me if you are going through a hard time, maybe my experiences can relate to yours and I can help you through this.
I think i almoat cried well basically cried reading this this story just like means not only am i 8 hour away from my family and friends but me and ex fiance ended our five year relationship and i took a trip to italy for 100 days think i would get over it but being back in the US been hard for me.
I’m sorry Nicole that you are going through a hard time… Ending a relationship that long AND being away from your loved ones has got to be hard. Just staying positive, busy and focused on you is really the only way to get through it. Thank you for taking the time to respond and read my blog, I hope that it helped you a little. I wish you all the best and I am sending you positive vibes 🙂