“Loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself.”
Basically all of last year and the year before I felt alone. I had many friends, family and good people in my life, but loneliness ached in my heart daily.
I had just gone through a break up. We were together for four years, and even though I knew deep down we were not truly in love or meant for each other, it still hurt in every way possible. I know a lot of you can relate to this feeling. You’re with someone for so long they naturally become a part of your life. I would be lying to you and myself if I said that I no longer think about that person, because from time to time he will run across my mind, just in different ways now.
I like to think it doesn’t matter how it ended anymore. Truly, it doesn’t. The pain that was caused almost two years ago is a distant and foreign pain to me now. I grew a lot from that pain. I learned a lot, as well. The best thing that happened though was I was completely alone.
I lost my best friend, my cat (I loved my fucking cat), my home, memories and a relationship in the blink of an eye. My world was shook. My heart ached and loneliness overwhelmed me. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me.
If you have read my previous blog posts, I have mentioned how long I have been searching for myself. I’ve been lost in my own body for far too long.
When I felt these feelings of desolation, I did everything in my power to fill this empty void. This is all about honesty so here we go: I drank, I smoked, and I spent a lot of money on material things. I gave myself away carelessly to men thinking this would make me feel better about what I had lost. All of my actions sank me lower into depression, rather than pulling me out. When I look back at everything I have done, I realize what people I had attracted during this time. Negative, unhappy and needy people. This is so unlike me in every way, it’s upsetting to know I did this to myself.
Towards the end of last year (2017), I felt very depressed. I wasn’t sure why, after all, it had been a year since my big life change. It wasn’t until the other day my amazing friend Moregan (@moreganja) repeated this quote to me, “loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself.” I desperately needed myself all of those years, and my body was trying one last time to tell me. I felt so sad and alone during December 2017, I didn’t know what to do, so I journaled. As I would read back on my thoughts everyday, I became more and more aware of myself. This was not easy, in fact, it was really hard. It made me realize how destructive I had become for so long. It made me realize how out of touch I was with my intuition; how out of touch I was with myself.
It was also around this time of all these discoveries I made the leap and went vegan. I stopped drinking and smoking (kind of, I still love ganja…I didn’t smoke cigarettes by the way, ha), and I focused on becoming financially healthy and re-stabilized my life. Doing all of this and becoming vegan completely changed me. I started feeding my body with living foods which made every part of me become alive. My mind became sharper, my body healthier, and I felt aligned with the Universe. I am by far more calm, positive and patient. When I think about my future, I see success and prosperity.
This year, 2018, has been incredible. I feel amazing and I have everything I could ever want…and I am not talking about material items. I am by far the happiest I have every been. My mom told me a month or so back, “I have never seen you this happy, Sara.” I have health, strength, passion and an unbelievable amount of drive. I am surrounded by amazing friends and family. I have incredible followers who are kind with their words and are supportive of my decisions.
When I heard that quote, it immediately clicked in my brain that for the last two years I had been searching endlessly for other people to make me happy and give me a purpose. Now, this sounds silly to me, but during that time I thought that was the answer. I no longer search for other peoples company, love or approval. I am absolutely fine with being alone… in fact, I’d rather be alone. I’ve needed myself for so long it’s finally nice to have my company, I want to enjoy it fully before ever giving a part of myself to anyone again. Still to this day, I am discovering my strengths and new things about myself and it is the most exciting thing I have every experienced in my 25 years of being alive.
If you feel lonely and are alone, this is a blessing I promise you and I encourage you to take advantage of this opportunity to discover yourself. Email me if you are going through a hard time, maybe my experiences can relate to yours and I can help you through this.